Some things are not meant to be
by XvXChaosMagicianGirlXvX
Summary: “I understand….” He said in a gentle tone I buried my face in my hands.“No, you don’t…” I whispered into the cold night air brokenly. Seto X Jou ON HOLD!


_Title: Some things are just not meant to be_

_Date: 31 May, 2005_

_Written by: ChaosMagicianGirl_

_Disclaimer: Do I need to mention it again? I don't own, so don't sue! There, happy now:goes of sobbing somewhere in a corner:_

_Warnings: dark, adult themes, boy X boy love (Don't like, don't read)_

_Pairing: Katsuya Jounouchi X Seto Kaiba_

_Themes: Romance, drama, tragedy_

_A/N: Yeah, I know what you're all thinking. This is very different from my other work if you look at the fact that I'm writing about a male X male pairing. I don't write stories about such pairings very often. In fact, this is only my second story, with such a pairing. But I have nothing against such pairings. But I prefer writing about straight couples. I'm really proud on how this turned out. It was supposed to be a one-shot at first, but now it's going to be a two part story, and this is the first part of it:P And once again, if you don't dig love pairings like these, then why are you even here in the first place? Shoo! Scram, get out of here, but don't go bawling on me with reviews saying: "EW, that's like so gross!" I don't care; those reviews will just be ignored. I warned you in advance, and don't come whining on me because I told you so. Hah, with that cleared up, sit back, relax, have a cup of coffee, a cookie, and make sure you have a tissue at hand? XD_

Part one: Some things are not meant to be

"_**Do you thrust me?" He asked me in a gentle, understanding tone.**_

**_He reached his hand out to me, while he said this._**

_**The words he spoke left me too stunned to move. I was quiet for sometime, before I was able to find my voice again.**_

_**Allowing him to pick me up from the cold and hard concrete underneath me, I intertwined my fingers with his. As soon as he had helped me up, I snatched my hand away from his hurriedly. **_

"_**Why are you asking me this?" I demanded to know, caught of-guard with this weird question.**_

"_**Just answer the question…." He answered my question in a calm, composed tone. **_

**_Why did I have to run into him out of all people, the one person I was trying so hard to avoid? Ever since battle city, what happened their between the two of us, has come back to haunt me. _**

**_I should have known he would demand an explanation, would not back down until he had what he wanted. _**

**_All throughout the time I had known him, I was confronted with the issue of thrust. I wasn't directly confronted by him, but his friends did the job for him. They didn't understand why I continued pushing them away. If they knew, they would understand. But they didn't, and I would never tell them. My past is mine to keep, or at least, it had been, until now. Now, he knew parts of it, leaving me extremely vulnerable and confused. _**

_**My thoughts on a rollercoaster ride at the moment, I voiced out the first rational answer I could come up with. **_

"**_How can I thrust you, when I don't even thrust myself…...?" I whispered into the cold night air, inner turmoil shining through my voice, although it was still firm, calm and composed as always._**

_**You had to know me very well, to discover the hidden emotions in my voice. **_

_**I turned around, moving away from him.**_

_**Not intent on letting me wander of so easily, as I should have guessed, he moved forward and grabbed my arm.**_

_**I visibly flinched at his touch, and yanked my arm free from his grasp right away. **_

"_**What do you think you're doing?" I hissed, in a threatening manner. **_

_**He was walking on thin ice at the moment, very thin ice……and he had to know that. **_

_**He had expected I would respond in such a manner, and he was calmly observing me, hands in his pocket, his gaze calm and steady, fixed on me.**_

**_Crossing my arms in front of me, a habit of mine, I straightened myself out, locking my icy gaze with him. _**

_**I didn't like his stance, the attitude radiating of off him. How he was behaving just now, was so very different from his usual cheerful and cheeky self. He was too serious, no trace of his cheerful nature. That was what unnerved me, although I didn't show it. Fear was growing inside my heart, telling me to turn tail and run. He caused me fear, for he knew my vulnerable spot. But running away from my problems was not my style, never had been. So I continued to stare him down, as he was doing with me. **_

_**An unexpected smile settled on his lips. **_

"_**Ever the stubborn one, I see." Referring to the fact that I never backed down from any challenges. **_

_**He knew me all to well in that department, not something I was pleased with.**_

"**_Don't patronise me." I countered in a scornful tone of voice, letting him know I was not amused, and didn't like to be fooled around with. _**

_**My eyes narrowed dangerously at him, rage starting to boil in me. I hated this confusion in my gut, these feelings in my heart, and I despised the vulnerability he invoked in me. If he knew about my past or not, it didn't matter. **_

_**As if sensing my change in demeanour, his face features turned serious again, his smile disappearing. **_

"_**I'm not…" was his simple, bur rather vague answer to my statement. **_

_**I understood what he meant, but decided not to respond.**_

"**_I..." He tried speaking again, but I brought up my hand to silence him._**

"_**Don't…" I said, eerily calm, and composed. "It doesn't matter."**_

"_**Of course it does!" He yelled, indignant, offended by my words. "If you think, I will forget what happened…"**_

"_**What happened was a mistake!" I snapped at him vehemently, cutting him of abruptly. **_

_**His eyes widened in pure shock.**_

"_**No, it wasn't." He replied, his tone of voice firm. **_

"**_Yes, it was…" My voice came out strangely hoarse. "Whatever happened during battle city shouldn't have. Whatever you saw, experienced, wasn't for your eyes to see. My past was mine to keep, not for others' to know. What I did was wrong."_**

_**He was silent for a long while after that, turning his head away, feeling hurt, used and feeling an odd sense of betrayal. **_

"_**But it happened. And time can't be turned back. The past makes us who we are today, denying it, is denying the very foundations that make you what you are today."**_

"**_Exactly, and that's why, you should forget it all, everything." I spoke up again. "Keep what you now know to yourself that will be all I ask of you. Please, for my sake, save me what shred of dignity I have still left." I requested from him, my voice desperate. _**

"**_Do you think I came her to mock you? Step down on you, laugh you in the face." He yelled, in pure anger, disbelieve shining in his eyes. "What kind of person do you take me for? I would never stoop so low as…"_**

"_**Then, what do you want!" I threw out, losing my cool as well.**_

"_**All I want is your honesty!" **_

"_**You want honesty?" I questioned him, disbelievingly, in a mocking tone of voice. "Honesty about what? The answer to your question? You want me to admit I thrust you? Is that what you want to know?"**_

_**He said nothing at this.**_

_**I continued nonetheless. **_

"_**Yes, I do, perhaps more then I should. But that doesn't change anything. It doesn't make it right!" I screamed the last part in pure desperation. **_

_**He was startled to hear that answer. **_

"_**I see…." Were the only words he was able to get out of his mouth. **_

"_**If you came here to gain my affections, don't bother to try. " My tone was bitter and sarcastic. **_

"_**And why is that?" He asked me, calmed down again. **_

"_**You really don't get it, do you?" I paused after this, allowing my words to sink in. **_

"_**What don't I get?"**_

_**My inner turmoil was almost becoming too much for me to handle, and what I said next, I screamed into the cold night air, making sure he heard it and perfectly understood it. **_

"**_That it doesn't matter how we both feel, you fool!" I spit out in utter contempt and malice. "My past is just what makes it impossible for us to ever be together. Don't you see? I'm wrong! You and I could never be!"_**

**_I had left him at a loss for words. Not feeling like there was anything more to be said, nor did I want to. I had shed too much already, things I couldn't take back anymore. But did it really matter in the end? I turned around, and made an attempt at walking away. _**

"**_Wait!" He yelled after me, his voice croaking. "You can't leave me like this!"_**

**_He made me stop dead in my tracks, yet I didn't turn around. I felt the thud of his footsteps coming nearer, till he came to a stop right behind me. _**

"_**You need help to sort out your past…."**_

"_**Help?" I let out an insane chuckle at that. "I'm beyond any sort of help."**_

"_**That is not true, and I know it!"**_

"_**Then continue living that lie!" I bit out sharply, with harshness, and venom laced into my words. **_

"_**I…." He trailed of after that.**_

_**I was at the edge of breaking down and I knew it, losing my control, I spilt more of my secrets to him, to make him understand. **_

"**_Understand this, some secrets need to be kept, some reasons shouldn't be understood, and some stories should never be told, they just might turn your blood cold. Besides, who needs all the answers? Who says the truth will save you, when it could very well break you. As the cold hard truth did with me. I drank his poison because he told me it was wine. Shame on him if he fooled me once, shame on me if he fooled me twice. I didn't know the price, and for that I paid. I don't even feel the pain anymore, or I just don't try. And pain no longer hurts, when it's practically all you've ever known. I constantly push the world aside, because I'm not right. I don't belong. This world doesn't want people like me. They are scared of what they don't understand, what they will never understand. I'm a broken porcelain doll, unable to be fixed. _**

_**If someone would be the closest thing to perfect, I would be the farthest thing from it. I'm everything that should be labelled with a warning sign. Inside of me you can see insanity defined." **_

"_**You're speaking in riddles, Seto…." He said, confused, not even realising he had used my first name.**_

_**My eyes widened at this. It caused a small smile to settle onto my face.**_

"_**Since when are we on a first name basis?" I asked him, irony mixed into my voice. **_

"_**I'm sorry…." He apologised to me. "I didn't realise that I…."**_

"_**Don't be….." I managed to choke out, looking down at the ground, my eyes shielded by my chestnut tresses. **_

_**I don't know why or how, but for the first time in years, tears started to fall down, and I started to weep, over my own state of misery. I felt so pathetic, so disgustingly weak, that I loathed myself for allowing myself to show any form of weakness.**_

_**He must have noticed my shoulders starting to shake. Not saying anything, he closed the distance between us, and I felt warm arms wrap around my middle. **_

_**I let out a surprised squeak. He forced me to turn my head around, and was shocked to stare into pools of sapphire blue, sparkling with tears, the cold, ice-like colour usually in my eyes gone. **_

**_He brushed away my tears, with his hand, cupping my chin; he stroked my cheek with his index finger. _**

"_**I guess you're human after all." He smiled at me genuinely, his comment causing my eyes to widen.**_

_**I whimpered at the sudden touch and contact. I yearned for him more then ever now, but I knew that what we were doing was wrong. It had to end. Pain filling my heart, I summoned all my courage, and pushed him away from me abruptly.**_

_**He was surprised, almost losing his balance from the sudden shove I gave him. **_

"**_I'm not a machine, if that's what you were implying…….I just pretend to be cold, uncaring, heartless, and ruthless, to shield myself from the world, not giving people a weapon to use against me. Emotions would be my downfall. I cannot afford to leave myself vulnerable. Nor am I able to. My mask, the person I pretend to be, is a shield for the pain I could no longer endure one day. Lowering my defences would mean, would mean………dying inside……" I confessed, regretfully. _**

"_**I never knew……"**_

"_**No, you didn't, and you still don't. You wouldn't be able to comprehend the pain I'm going through day and night. How it feels to have your hopes and dreams shattered at your very feet, leaving you broken. To be stabbed in the back, to be pushed around, to be torn inside as well as out. To be tormented forever by his voice……..even though the bastard is death and in his grave. You don't know what it's like to be me…."**_

"_**Perhaps, I understand you better then you think."**_

"**_NO!" I screamed in a sudden fit of rage at those spoken words. "Don't give me the lecture that you understand me, nobody can and nobody does. Not when I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm sick and tired of playing around, putting up a show, while I'm crying and dying inside……"_**

**_I didn't care what I said; it didn't matter anymore at all. I know he and I could never be, but I would let him know, how I felt._**

"_**I understand…." He said in a gentle tone.**_

_**I buried my face in my hands. **_

"_**No, you don't…" I whispered into the cold night air brokenly. **_

"_**But what you can understand will be this……."**_

_**I grabbed him by the coat gruffly, and claimed his lips with my own. **_

_**At first he was too shocked to do anything, but soon, he wove his arms around me and crushed me to him fiercely, refusing to let me go.**_

_**The kiss was passionate and I poured my heart into it. Letting him know without words what I felt for him.**_

**_Ending our lip lock as suddenly as it had started, I let my fingers touch my lips, looking away._**

"**_I shouldn't have done that…." I managed to say, in an unsteady voice. My vision was blurry, my heart full of sorrow and regret._ _"Look at me!" He demanded from me._**

"_**No…" I said simply. "I can't…."**_

"_**Why?" He asked of me.**_

_**I didn't reply to that. I said something else instead.**_

"_**Let this be a reminder of what we both can never have…."**_

_**This time I would walk away, and it would be final, but I wouldn't leave without telling him the whole truth.**_

"_**I love you, Katsuya…." I spoke out of the bottom of my heart. "But some things…..some things are just not meant to be!" **_

_**With that said, I pulled my trench coat tighter around me, shivering at the sudden coldness that enveloped me, backing away from him, looking into his mesmerising amber eyes one last time, the eyes that let me fall so deeply, utterly and completely.**_

_**After that I turned around and walked away. **_

"_**I love you too, Seto….." I heard him say.**_

_**For once I felt truly happy, even when I could still not understand how he would be able to love someone like me…….**_

**_He was so naive. If he could see everything there was to know about me, would he still feel the way. I thought not, but perhaps I was wrong, but I would never try and figure that out. _**

'**_Some things are just never meant to be….' I thought, while walking away, a sad, sorrowful smile on my face. _**

_Well, that wraps up part one. I hope you liked it and be sure to drop me a note (review) to let me know what you thought about it. Comments, and tips on how to better my writing are highly appreciated. And I will say it again. PLEASE, NO FLAMES! They're pointless and you're wasting your time. So, do us both a favour, and keep it to yourself if you think my fic stinks. Okies? _

_CMG, signing out_


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